


Haunting Past

by demondetox



Series: Stay!Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, bottom!Jared, bottom!Jensen, mention of character death (not the Js!), top!Jared, top!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 21:49:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1048972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course you'll have to read "Stay" in order to understand what's going on.<br/>This timestamp (Jensen's POV) gives us detailed information of Jensen and his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunting Past

 

 

 

#  "Haunting Past"

 

"Hey homos! Keep it down, now would ya'."  
  
Jensen was sure he heard Chad. No, it was definitely Chad interrupting his make out session. With Jared. In Jared's kitchen. And with Jared pressed flush against the fridge. Magnets clattered to the floor, the papers those magnets were supposed to hold scattered all around them.  
  
Jensen didn't care, because he had his boyfriend's tongue shoved deep inside his mouth, sucking noises so obscene Jensen knew they're going a little too far. But again, he didn't care.  
  
"Happy Birthday." Jensen rested his forehead against Jared's, drowning in those green-blue eyes.  
  
"Best birthday gift. Ever."  
  
Jensen smirked devilishly; lips sucking along Jared's jaw and hips bucking against his boyfriend's. "Yeah? Because I got more where that came from."  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"You just wait and see."  
  
"God, I can't wait for everyone to leave."  
  
"They're not even here yet, baby."  
  
Jared frowned then and huffed his annoyance which made Jensen giggle at how adorable the younger man looked.  
  
"So? You two done?"  
  
Jensen turned his head around to see Chad sitting on the counter behind them, munching on a muffin.  
  
"Chad!" Jared squawked at his friend and blushed a deep red.  
  
"What? It's not every day I get to watch free porn. I'm just not so happy about the dude on dude action. I prefer boobs and well, two dicks ain't my thing."  
  
Jensen rolled his eyes at him in mock annoyance. It took him a while to get used to Chad and he often asked Jared why he's even friends with the guy. But as much as Chad seemed to be a total douche, he was a sweet person on the inside. Not that Jensen would ever admit to that.  
  
"Remind me again why we're friends?" Jared's hands around Jensen's waist tightened their grip, pulling Jensen closer and he had to bite the inside of his cheeks to hide a laughter that was bubbling up because Jared was still hard against his groin; trying to hide his erection from Chad.  
  
"Because I'm awesome and adorable and I'm the best damn Godfather you could ever find for TJ."  
  
"Where is he anyway?" Jensen wanted to know, turning around his whole body and pushing his hips backwards to rub against Jared's crotch and the younger man groaned; fingers digging deep into Jensen's hipbones.  
  
"Still at Cameron's. Anyway, you two disgunstingly cute lovebirds better cool off. Your guests gonna be here in less than an hour." And with that Chad finally left them alone again, but not without snatching another muffin from the tray.  
  
"Want me to cool you off?" Jensen asked, biting his bottom lip and wiggled his brows seductively.  
  
Jared all but dragged him to the bedroom, locking the door the second it closed and pushed Jensen against it. Jared attacked his mouth in a brutal kiss, tongue immediately breaching Jensen's lips and pushing inside until Jensen's brain caught up and went along.  
  
"Fuck, Jay. This is not how either of us will cool down." Jensen panted between kisses.  
  
"We've got one hour."  
  
Jared dropped to his knees and settled on his heels while fumbling with Jensen's belt. As soon as he had it open he pulled the jeans and boxers down until they came to a halt around Jensen's ankles. Jared took Jensen’s hard length in his hand and gave the object of his desire a few strokes before he slowly wrapped his lips around the head.  
  
"Shit. Oh God, yes."  
  
Jared hummed around Jensen's cock and took him in all the way, sucking until Jensen thought his head was going to explode from the delicious warm and wet feeling around his dick. His hands held on to Jared's mop of hair, held him still and thrusting his cock in and out of Jared's mouth. Jensen was shaking all over, every nerve tingling and he could already feel his orgasm building when Jared hollowed his cheeks to put more pressure on Jensen's hard flesh.  
  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jay, stop. Oh shit. Get up here. Now." Jensen pleaded and pulled Jared off of his dick. The younger man was totally confused and gave Jensen a look as if he was insane.  
  
"Wanna be inside you, Jay."  
  
Jared stripped in record time and as soon as his clothes were out of the way Jensen turned him around, face flush against the door. Fuck, Jared sure was a sight for sore eyes. All lean muscles, miles of soft skin and Jensen had to feel more of it and pressed his whole body against Jared’s, feeling every shiver of his lover against his front.  
  
"Come on, get 'em wet." Jensen ordered and guided two of his fingers to Jared's mouth.  
  
Jared licked and sucked Jensen's fingers for all's worth and then Jensen pulled them back; easing one finger inside Jared's hole and shortly after the second. He fucked both digits in a fast pace in and out; spread them as far as Jared’s tight hole would allow to scissor him and Jensen gave his best to hit his boyfriend's prostate.  
  
Jared was a begging mess; pushing his ass down on Jensen's fingers greedily and Jensen was sure that Chad could hear them, but it didn't matter to him. All he cared about was to fuck his birthday boy.  
  
Jensen crouched down to lick his tongue over Jared’s entrance, the musky taste of his lover shot straight to his own cock and he couldn’t wait to fuck into this amazing hot channel. 

“Unnngh, Jen.” Jared was pushing his ass against Jensen’s tongue, his forehead kept knocking against the door and he had to use both hands to brace himself against the frame. Jensen loved this, loved seeing Jared fall apart on his tongue. The moans of ecstasy and filthy little requests spilling from Jared's usually shy lips were getting the better of Jensen. He hastily fished a condom from the pocket of his jeans (they were always fucking whenever they got a chance, so no judging the boyscout behavior!).  
  
Jensen got back on his wobbly knees, his head already dizzy and ripped the condom open to roll it over his waiting erection.  
  
"Love you so much." Jensen breathed against Jared's neck, teeth scraping over sensitive skin and Jared rested his head on Jensen's shoulder, his breathing coming out fast and ragged.  
  
Jensen kicked Jared's legs further apart and then wrapped one arm around Jared's waist, the other hand guiding his thick length to Jared's ass; pushing in slowly and the pressure from the first ring of muscle had Jensen shudder in anticipation. No way in hell was he going to last long. But they didn't have much time anyway.  
  
The hand that was previously guiding his cock was then holding on to Jared's hip, pulling his lover down on his flesh until he was balls deep inside Jared.  
  
"Jesus, fuck!" Jared screamed; head lolling forward.  
  
Jensen didn't give him much time to adjust, knew the first shock would turn into bliss as soon as Jared's prostate was getting the right treatment. And Jensen seemed to be doing a great job at that, if the way Jared was beginning to impale himself on Jensen's dick was anything to go by.  
  
"Touch yourself." Jensen said and moved Jared's hand around his lover's huge cock. "Let me see you. Want to feel you sucking my dick in when you come."  
  
It took Jared a second to find a rhythm and when he did Jensen let go of Jared's hand, placing both of his hands firmly on Jared's hips. He pulled out almost all the way before ramming back into Jared's tight heat.  
  
"Yes! Oh yeah, Jen. T-There, right there! ....Unnghh!"  
  
After a few minutes Jensen's breath came out short, chest heaving and his eyelids fluttered, the approaching climax so close, almost too close. 

"Jay, faster. Come for me. Please. Shit, so close."  
  
Seconds later Jared went still, only his hips jerking; come shooting over his hand and all over the door. His hole clenched around Jensen and that was it, he shoved his dick in and out two more times before he pumped his orgasm into the condom; forehead falling between his lover's shoulder blades until he could catch a decent breath.  
  
"Now it is."  
  
Jensen tipped his head up; chin resting on Jared's back, "huh?"  
  
"Best Birthday ever."  
  
"Oh. Good." Jensen chuckled against Jared's skin before he placed a chaste kiss behind the younger man's ear and circled his hips some more, his slowly softening cock rubbing Jared's insides and both men moaned at the movement.  
  
"Jay, we should..."  
  
But Jay, always kind of really a lot horny Jay, pressed his ass into Jensen's groin and Jensen knew that it wouldn't take much more for him to harden again. As it were though, they had to get ready. Jensen's hand caressed lovingly over Jared's middle while his other hand carefully pulled his cock from his boyfriend's ass; two fingers holding on to the condom tightly.  
  
Jared still hissed a little, and of course groaned at the loss, insatiable bastard.  
  
"Let's get cleaned up." Jensen actually hated how sincere he sounded about getting ready for the day; the party. He'd have rather spent the whole day with Jared; in bed, or on and against any flat surface that would hold them to continue what they had to stop only minutes before.  
  
Twenty minutes later both men startled Chad, who was digging through the fridge, by tapping him on the shoulder because he didn't hear them when they walked back into the kitchen. The blond man spun around and clutched his hands to his chest, "Fuck! Give me a heart attack why won't you," he all but yelled.  
  
Jared tried to apologize but Chad just kept on staring at them, confusion all over his face. Then Chad pulled two earplugs from his ears and Jared blushed.  
  
"It was either earplugs or cutting my ears off, you freaking rabbits."  
  
Jensen couldn't help but laugh because yep, they were kind of loud and as soon as his dick was close to Jared he must have forgotten that they weren't alone in Jared's house.  
  
"Oh my God." Jared said in a low exhale and shook his head, hands palming his face in embarrassment.  
  
"I've heard that one before. 's why I got the plugs." Chad scrunched his nose, faking disgust.  
  
Not long after that most of Jared's friends from work showed up and Jensen was on edge and nervous throughout all the introductions. He wasn't used to being introduced to anyone as someone's boyfriend. It made him feel guilty and happy at the same time. Fucking someone was one thing, but committing to another person was new territory for him.  
  
When he first realized that he was falling for Jared he was torn; aware that Brady never would have wanted for him to end up alone but it also felt like betrayal. Seconds before Brady died he had promised him that he will always love him. And Jensen still does love him. Over the years this love has changed though. Brady will forever hold a very special place in his heart; a part nobody will ever be able to touch, but the more time he spent with Jared, the more the rest of his heart was taking the younger man in.  
  
Jared somehow picked up on Jensen's distress, wrapping one of his freakishly long arms around his waist and reassured him that they all love him. And right there he had wondered for the first time if Jared was able to still love him if he knew about Jensen's past. He could feel his eyes filling with tears and he had to steer his thoughts back to the present; the past would only bring him down and then questions he wasn't ready to answer would be asked.  
  
Jared made him feel alive again and worth a million things he couldn't name; losing this safe place was not an option and he held on to this little piece of happiness life has offered him by meeting his boyfriend.  
  
The afternoon was filled with laughter and storytelling and no matter how many times Jared protested his friends kept on telling all the silly things and anecdotes about Jared. It was fun to watch his lover struggle and act offended when he tried to hide his affectionate smiles. And Jared threatened to ground his son for all eternity if he would join in on the mock-parade. Jensen had raised a questioning eyebrow at Tristan and the teen smirked at him before leaning in to whisper in his ears that he's got many embarrassing stories to tell of his dad. Jensen couldn't wait to hear all about it.  
  
What still surprised Jensen was the fact that Tristan was absolutely cool about his dad dating Jensen, his coach of all people. It was only a few days ago when Tristan had told him he had never seen his father so happy and he was beyond relieved that Jensen was serious about Jared. Jensen had always gotten along with Tristan and it was awesome to know that this hadn't changed.  
  
It was almost time to prepare dinner when Jared sprinted to the door and two pigtailed cuties flung themselves at their uncle. Jensen had met Jared's brother, wife and kids during Tristan's birthday party in April but back then he was allowed to avoid them, to not interact with either the parents or the kids.  
  
Sure, it had been a gut wrenching feeling when he first saw Jared with an infant in his arms and his nerves only calmed down when he realized the baby wasn't Jared's, but his nephew Eli.  
  
Now though he was sure that leaving the house or avoiding these kids would raise negative attention. God, he felt like an asshole for disliking something; someone who was obviously important to Jared. And there wasn't even the possibility of letting Jared know how uncomfortable he was around small children. There was a reason for him to decline coaching junior league after all.  
  
"Hey Jen, you there?" Jared elbowed him slightly and Jensen was sure he had zoned out; lost in memories and fear.  
  
"Yeah, sorry."  
  
Somehow Jared ended up hogging baby Eli almost all evening and his gaze was fixated on every tiny movement of the infant. Jensen wanted to ignore the fact that Jared looked amazing and so full of life with the baby in his arms but Jensen's heart was racing a mile per minute, hoping to hell that his boyfriend didn't get any ideas. Jared was safe for him, a man who had already settled, with a son who'll probably leave for college within the next few years. There was no way Jared would want more kids. Right? He wouldn't want to start all over again with feeding a newborn, changing diapers a hundred times a day and not getting enough sleep. No, Jared was safe to be with. And so was Jensen's past.  
  
Jeff, Jared's brother, gave Jensen the whole if you hurt my brother speech and he was glad for the distraction that came along with it. Jeff was cool and laid back and didn't give Jensen a hard time at all. It was comforting and after a while Jensen relaxed.  
  
Everyone was gathered around the small bonfire in the backyard; Chad entertaining almost everybody and Tristan was off to God knows where. Probably up in his room to play video games. Jensen was on beer duty and when he entered the house again he walked into his smiling boyfriend.  
  
"Having fun, birthday boy?" Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared, pulling him closer to brush their lips together in a soft kiss.  
  
"Mhm. Just put Eli to bed. He was out cold."  
  
Jensen stiffened at the mention of the baby again. "'kay." He offered a fake smile and thank God Jared either didn't notice or wasn't willing to ask about it.  
  
"How about we get these guys drunk, like fast and then throw them out so I can play some more with my present?" Jared smirked at him.  
  
"Sounds like a plan." Jensen tightened his hold on Jared and kissed him again, this time with more heat and a promise for more. He really couldn't wait to have his boyfriend all to himself again.

**~~~*~~~**

The weeks after Jared's birthday went on as usual; Jensen driving Tristan home after training and then he spent dinner with Jared and the teenager. As soon as Tristan excused himself to finish some homework or go to bed the two men were either all over each other or lounged in front of the TV; beer and lots of cuddling included.  
  
Months flew by and it seemed like cloud number nine wasn't going anywhere, but instead kept on flying right above them. Jensen took Jared on several more dates; skinny dipping at night at the lake was by far both men's favorite. The water carrying them a few feet off shore and Jensen grabbed Jared, lifting the younger man's legs around his middle and jerked them both off; their come washed away by a small wave that pushed them closer against one another. By the time they went on a second naked adventure at the lake Jensen was smarter than the last time. He's never been good at diving so he made sure they were still at the shore, blowing Jared to full hardness; the water crashing against his face with every wave. It wasn't easy at first but eventually he managed not to drown and rolled a condom over Jared's erection before he straddled him and rode his boyfriend to completion. The feeling of Jared inside him as intense as it’s never been before; almost as if Jared’s dick was made to fit perfectly inside his ass. The sensation of too full and still not enough never ceased to surprise him.  
  
"Want you to come on my dick." Jared panted underneath him; water splashing all around them.  
  
"No, come on, babe... unngh! Harder." He begged and moved his hips faster up and down Jared's shaft. He wasn't sure if his plan would go down the way he wanted because he was close to hit his climax as well but when he felt Jared going still under him he gathered what was left of his fucked out brain to reach for the other condom and pulled it over his pre come leaking cock. Jared's hips stuttered with a powerful orgasm and Jensen didn't give him time to calm down before he pulled his ass off of Jared's dick and flipped his boyfriend over.  
  
"Jen... Fuck! Oh fuckfuckfuck."  
  
The prep he offered Jared was definitely not enough but his lover spread his legs as far as they could go and Jensen pressed in all the way to the tilt. And he didn't guess wrong; a few hurried thrusts later and he came with a guttural groan, leaving his limbs numb.  
  
It was messy; too much water and sand and yet the most romantic date they've ever been on. Well, the picnic and cuddling sure counted as romantic; the fucking like animals in heat was just them being their usual selves.

**~~~*~~~**

Jensen knew it was time for him to introduce Jared to his parents. He had told them early on that he was seeing someone and who it was but he needed months to take this step. His parents always told him it was time to move on but they knew too much and he was scared that eventually they would let something slip. And of course there was no way he would drag Jared to the Ackles' house; too many photographic reminders decorated their walls and fuck, how was Jensen supposed to think about Jared being a constant part in his life when he'd rather hide such an enormous and important part of his past. He'd have to invite his parents over to his place. Better to be safe than sorry.  
  
The non-stopping worry was eating at him and he felt like the biggest prick for keeping the past from his boyfriend. And the guilt got even worse when Jared opened up to him. Their relaxed and comfortable conversation over a couple of beers and pizza, the TV flickering in the background, lead to the story of how Jared ended up pregnant. Jared told him about Kerr and how he had fallen head over heels for the older man. He didn't spare Jensen of any details, how the pregnant teenager he once was ended up crying for weeks after Kerr had rejected him. Jensen was beside himself with rage and if he ever happened to meet this Kerr guy he was sure he'd throttle the man.  
  
Jensen felt a late protectiveness rushing through him; wished he could have saved Jared from Kerr's spiteful behavior.  
  
"Adorable. You are cute, you know that?" Jared had said with a chuckle after Jensen must have said the last part out loud.  
  
"I'm serious, Jay. There are just no words and I'm sorry you had to deal with this mess."  
  
Jared snuggled closer into his side on the couch, propping his head on Jensen's shoulder while his hand played with the hem of Jensen's shirt. "Mhm. I know you are, but I can't help to be thankful for it, too. If Kerr had been the perfect guy I made him up to be then I'd have never met you. Sometimes life gives you so much trouble that you can't seem to figure out if it's worth to keep going but then _you_ come along and I know that whatever I thought was going to break me was nothing more than a path that would lead me to you. So yes, it sucked back then. But it brought me to you."  
  
And that hit home so badly Jensen's stomach was twisted in knots. Sure he loved Jared, God knows just how much the younger meant to him and if it wasn't for Jared he might have never learned to truly laugh again, the feeling of loving someone so much your head's spinning and receiving the same love back... but Jensen wasn't ready to say that his loss was worth meeting Jared. He might never be willing to say it. Though it didn't mean he didn't think like that. There was no doubt that Jensen would ever reject a life where he never met Jared if it meant the car crash never happened. But it did happen and maybe someone up above felt Jensen was worthy to send Jared for him; to live again and accept the past and maybe move on. His heart was definitely craving Jared, all Jensen had to do was let the man in. Completely and without any guilt. If it only wasn't so difficult to lay his faults out on the table.  
  
"I love you." Jensen turned his head enough to place a kiss on Jared's temple. And seriously, what else was there to say?  
  
"Love you, too."

**~~~*~~~**

  
Jensen prepared his parents for their visit and psyched himself up for accusations and hurt but his mother sobbed into the phone, telling him that she understood but Jensen had to understand that if he was serious about Jared that he might need to come clean at some point because hiding for too long will be hard to be forgiven for. Of course his mom was right, but the thought of talking about his past was too painful. It had been a struggle to open up to all the counselors and psychiatrists all these years ago, how was Jensen supposed to find the words again that might show Jared how flawed Jensen really was.  
  
Jared had met Alan Ackles many times before, back when he was still Tristan's coach so it wasn't that much of an introduction Jensen had to handle. Well, he needed to add the 'boyfriend' title. Donna Ackles was a different story; she was wary and obviously bothered by the fact that her son kept Jared in the dark. But she still maintained nice and civil. Jensen thanked her in a private minute when they were alone in the kitchen.  
  
Jared was a mix of nervous mess and adorable puppy and Jensen had squeezed his knee under the table a few times during dinner to reassure him that his parents liked Jared just fine. From previous conversations Jensen learned that Jared never really dated and when he did then it never went as far as meeting someone's parents. So this was completely new to the younger man and he was skittish the whole time.  
  
Dinner with Jensen's parents had been a success until the minute rolled by where his dad pulled him aside, demanding to talk and Jensen knew right away what kind of conversation it would end up being. 

Alan squinted a little, trying to read Jensen's poker face and lowered his voice so only the two men were able to hear. “How are you doing, son?” 

“Dad, come on. You know me, I’m fine.” 

“And Jared, things with him seem to be really good. He’s a great guy.” 

Jensen couldn’t help but smile, the sincerity in his father’s statement projecting right over to him and he might have blushed a little at that. “He’s amazing.” 

“You really love him, don’t you?” 

Jensen nodded at his father; scratching the back of his neck when his whole body was tingling with nervous energy. 

Alan placed his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, guiding him towards the small couch in the study when he spoke again after a couple minutes of silence. “And Jared loves you, too. I hope you know and appreciate that.” 

Jensen was getting impatient and even annoyed. “Dad, please get to the point.” 

“How long do you think you can keep this charade up? Jared is a smart man and it’s only a matter of time until he figures something is wrong and don’t you think he deserve to know? I know how hard this is on you even after all this time but you need to wake up and quit being a coward.” 

Jensen saw red and snapped. “You don’t know shit, okay? You know absolutely nothing so don’t give me that bullshit of knowing how I feel or how difficult this is, because you don’t. So far I don’t see any reason why Jared should know and if you and mom won’t stop interfering in my business then it’s better neither of you shows up here anymore.” 

“Maybe you have forgotten that I was there when you carried those caskets and lowered them to the ground, because I definitely did not forget a single second of it. And neither did your mother. She still prays for them every night; praying that they are watching over you. Don’t you dare expect her to exclude them from her prayers before the big Thanksgiving feast or during the Holidays, because she won’t. You are not the only one who lost loved ones that day. So man up and if you truly love this man out there you better do the right thing.”

 

 **~~~** **6 months later** **~~~**

 

Jensen should have listened to his dad. No, Jensen should have told Jared right away but he didn’t and that’s how he ended up in a situation that would surely turn his life upside down once again. 

It’s been six months since Jensen invited his parents over to introduce Jared to them and he did fine avoiding any mentioning of his past completely. Of course he knew it was wrong to act like nothing ever happened but it hurt less to ignore the loss. And it was too easy to forget everything around him when he was with his boyfriend. 

They were sprawled out on Jensen’s huge couch and Jared insisted on a romantic comedy neither of them had seen yet. Jensen couldn’t say no to Jared even if his life was depending on it so he happily agreed. He had no idea what the movie was about, trusted Jared when his boyfriend told him it was supposed to be a really good movie. And the movie turned out to be Jensen’s worst fear and nightmare coming true. 

The story wasn’t too complicated, it was rather cute actually. If it wouldn’t make Jensen’s heart clench with every passing second. It was about a woman ending up pregnant after a one-night-stand. The guy she was sleeping with had been in love with her since High School and a drunken make-out session at a party lead to them ending up in the host’s pool getting it on. The story was told fast and soon after she found out about the pregnancy he told the soon-to-be father and he was over the moon happy. Soon after that she moved in with him, both finding out that they have been in love with the other one for years and everything was sunshine and rainbows. 

Jensen wanted to puke, his stomach rebelling when he saw the glint of pure adoration and hopefulness in Jared’s eyes when he was completely fixated on the movie. Jensen eventually calmed his nerves somewhat after the movie was finally over. He untangled his limps from Jared to get up and put the DVD back in its cover before returning to sit next to Jared and change the channel to something with lots of explosions and just _anything_ that would kill that weird look on Jared’s face. 

“You ever think about kids?” Jared asked after a while and Jensen’s blood ran cold. 

“I’m with kids every day at training.” 

“Those are hardly kids anymore, they are teenagers. I know for a fact because one of them happens to be my son.” Jared smiled up at him from where his head was resting in Jensen’s lap. 

“Same difference.” Jensen had no idea how to get Jared to stop, he tried fumbling with Jared’s belt to distract him, leaned down to kiss him but Jared pulled away and his expression turned absolutely serious. 

“Then let me rephrase that for you. You ever think about having kids of your own?” 

“No. Not really.” Oh fuck, that hurt and he knew he was going to hell for saying it, too. 

Jared’s face faltered at the honesty in Jensen’s voice and his lips trembled. “You mean that you… uh, wow. Okay, I-I wasn’t expecting that.” 

“What _did_ you expect?” 

“Jen, we’ve been together for almost a year now and I’d be lying if I said I never thought about it, about you know, having a baby.” 

“Sorry, what now?” Jensen hurried into a more comfortable sitting position and made sure there was a respectable distance between Jared and him. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“Why are you so spooked? I was just asking; wondering. I know we never talked about this but honestly it just never came up and it didn’t bother me. At least I thought so. I mean, where do you see us a few years down the road?” 

“That depends but I’m certain none of my plans include a kid.” 

“Are you for real? Jen, isn’t that were most relationships lead to?” 

“Most are not all of them. Sorry Jay, but could we maybe not talk about this now?” 

“When do you feel like talking about it then?” 

“Never, probably. I don’t want a baby with you.” 

Jensen could hear his own voice, hated every fierce tone that left his mouth and when Jared’s eyes were tearing up he knew it was game over for him, maybe even for them. 

“I can’t believe you.” 

“What’s not to believe, Jared? I’m telling you I don’t want to have kids and I have no idea what gave you the impression that I’d want a baby with you. Because I know for a fact that I never even mentioned anything like that to you.” And boy wasn’t that the truth. 

“Do you even hear yourself? Maybe I was wrong about you and here I thought you’d be different.” 

Jensen was confused at that because Jared didn’t make much sense to him at this moment. “What are you talking about?” 

“You make it sound like the world was going to end if you’d have a baby with me.” 

“No, that’s not it. Jared, listen… I-I love you, I really do and I can only hope you believe me but why do you think I insist on condoms when I know you’re responsible with your birth control? Mostly because I definitely don’t want you to end up pregnant. I can’t and… I won’t. No, sorry. This is just… no. No, never going to happen.” 

“Maybe I should leave, Jensen.” 

“What? No.” Jensen grabbed Jared by the wrist when the younger man was about to get up from the couch but Jared yanked his arm away. 

“Why would you make me believe you were okay with me having a son when you’re so obviously against children, especially when they’re from me.” 

“That’s not true. Not really. Jared, your son is a teenager, you just said so yourself a few minutes ago and of course I’m okay with you having a son, that wasn’t a lie and you know how much I care about Tris, I love the boy. But knowing that he was already a teen made me believe that you were done with having kids.” 

“Well, I’m not and I never was.” Jared sobbed and cried openly. It broke Jensen’s heart to see his boyfriend so torn and he wished he could comfort him somehow but nothing he could say or do would make any of this better. 

“Sorry, Jared, but this is not up for discussion.” 

“Sorry doesn’t cut it. You know that I never thought about having more kids as much as I did since we’re together? And right now I feel like a complete idiot and you know why? Because all of a sudden I feel like I’m fifteen again and being laughed at for wanting a baby with a man who I thought was nothing but perfect.” 

“Oh come on, Jared. That’s not fair. I’m not Kerr and nothing like him. At all.” Though, Jensen knew Jared was right. Nothing Jensen had said in those last thirty minutes was better than what Kerr did to Jared all these years ago. 

“Really? It sure feels like it. It’s better when I’m leaving now. This, you, me… us, I just… I never thought you’d be that freaked. And I’m really glad you were persistent on too much protection. I only wish I would have know from the start that whatever we had wasn’t going anywhere. I’m really sorry that you had to waste a whole year on someone who’s obviously not worthy of carrying your children.” 

“Jared, please. This isn’t about you.” 

“Fuck you, Jensen. Go to hell.” 

And this time Jensen didn’t try to hold Jared back; he let him go because Jensen had fucked up the best thing that ever happened to him in well over ten years. If he would have had the balls to tell Jared sooner then maybe there would have been a chance for them to get their happily ever after… even without having children. He wished he could have made Jared understand that it wasn’t about him. And really, this had absolutely nothing to do with Jared because, fuck, he loved him so much it hurt. It wasn’t until he wiped at his eyes that he realized he was crying. 

 **~~~*~~~**  

An hour after Jared left he grabbed his cell and tried to call the younger man, but it went straight to voicemail. Leaving a message would have been fruitless and then again what was there to say anyway. 

Six days later Chris showed up and verbally kicked his ass three ways to Sunday for being the most selfish and heartless coward the world's ever seen. Jensen guessed that his friend must have spoken to Jared, or his parents.  
  
"How much longer do you wanna live and hide in the past you asshole?" Chris had yelled at him; smacking the bottle of Tequila out of Jensen's hand.  
  
"Let it go, Chris." He slurred; didn't like to talk about it.  
  
"No! I can't. Jared is the best thing that ever happened to you. That man loves your sorry ass and you just let him go like this? Do you even care that this is breaking him? If he knew then maybe he wouldn't have left. Fuck, Jen, we both know that not even Brady loved you this much."  
  
"Don't, okay?"  
  
"Fuck you! Fix this shit. Tell Jared the truth already. If you don't, I will. Because I know you love him just as much but I can't watch this train wreck you caused."  
  
"You wouldn't..."  
  
"Oh believe me, asshole, I will. Jared makes you happy and with him you could finally move on. He's way too good for you, and he deserves better than that but apparently you two are good for each other. So get your damn head out of your ass and talk to him."  
  
Jensen had emptied what was left of the Tequila and slept for two days straight. His skin was itching from lack of hygiene, hair greasy from Jensen being too broken to stand under the shower and his eyes burned like wildfire from all the tears he shed. Jensen's heart was breaking into million pieces and he was the only person to blame for this fucked up mess. He knew Chris was right with everything he said. But how do you explain someone that you're responsible for not only one but three people dying in a car crash? Jared has always been honest with him, never hid anything from Jensen; went even so far as telling him about Kerr and the night TJ was conceived. And Jensen? He was a coward; afraid Jared might blame him, too if he knew the whole story of the fatal car crash.  
  
Everyone knows that the human body needs water, food and oxygen to survive. Jensen needed Jared. Jared meant everything to him and Jensen knew that without Jared his life was practically worth next to nothing. He craved the other man, the warmth Jared brought to his heart and soul.  
  
Eight days total without Jared and Jensen felt like drowning; the alcohol in his system gone and he was left with a Jared shaped hole in his chest, an ache so terrible he couldn't handle. The rest of his body was numb, not even the killer headache enough to distract him from the loss he felt.  
  
_'please talk to him'_   Jensen read Chris' text message at least a hundred times and eventually he realized that after losing Jared there wasn't much left to jeopardize anymore anyway. 

**~~~*~~~**

  
His hands were shaking wildly and he needed more than five attempts until he was finally able to knock at Jared's door.  
  
It was TJ who opened the door for him though and Jensen felt his heart breaking even further when he saw the furious look in the boy's eyes.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
Jensen's throat was dry, his voice as smooth as sandpaper. "Could I talk to your dad, please?"  
  
"Don't you think you've said enough already?"  
  
TJ was only a few inches shorter than Jensen and he knew how much TJ doted on his dad; protected him even if it wasn't necessary, so it was a real surprise that TJ didn't smash his head in. Jensen had fully expected it and he wouldn't even have had the willpower to dodge. Because a punch was the least he deserved.  
  
"Tris, please. There are some things I need to explain to him."  
  
"Like what? Listen Jensen, you've always been a great coach and friend to me, but the shit you've pulled there? I'd rather kick your ass across the lawn before I let you anywhere near my dad again."  
  
Jensen closed his eyes shut, head dropping on his chest and shaking it in agreement. "Go ahead, Tris. You've got enough strength to knock me on my ass."  
  
"Wow. You'd actually let me hit you, wouldn't you?"

  
"I deserve it and then some. All I'm asking is---"  
  
Jensen couldn't finish his sentence. TJ's mean right hook connected with his jaw and he was sure the kid knocked at least two teeth loose. Jensen knew the pain must be there; could feel the heat in his face and the coppery taste on his tongue was disgusting but the heartache overshadowed everything else.  
  
"He's in the bedroom. I'm gonna go for a walk and when I'm back you have better sorted this all out or you'll be hitting the floor. Face first."  
  
"Thank you, Tris."  
  
"Jensen, I mean it. Break his heart some more and I'll end you. This is my dad we're talking about here and I've never seen him like this."  
  
"I'll make it up to him... and you, if he'll let me."  
  
Tristan only nodded, jaw clenching more but then he brushed past Jensen to leave the house which left Jensen standing in the doorway; lost and awkward.  
  
The house was barely lit, only the street lamps giving enough light to see at least where he was going. Not that he needed to see, because he spent most of his days and nights at Jared's house anyway, barely ever leaving to check if his own apartment was still standing.  
  
Every further step he took closer to Jared's bedroom felt heavier than the last, his stomach was twisting in knots and his heartbeat was so loud he was sure the neighbors could hear it.  
  
Jensen was scared. Shitless. He knew the only solution for fixing his mistake was to let Jared in and tell him everything. Maybe then Jared would understand why Jensen reacted the way he did, why his shock and fear was speaking for him rather than the logical part of his brain. Never did Jensen think he was able to hurt Jared as much as he'd done and he would never be able to forgive himself for how rude and mean he treated Jared. God, Jared was never going to forgive him.  
  
Jensen knocked on the bedroom door, once and found it giving in and opening an inch. The room was pitch black, curtains closed all the way and after his eyes adjusted his hearing took in the ragged and broken sobs that were coming from the bed.  
  
Jared was buried under each and every blanket and comforter, the mount of fabric shaking and when Jensen stepped closer he could see that Jared was sleeping. Restless; tossing and turning, sniffling into his pillow.  
  
Jensen did this to him and no apology in the world would ever be enough to make this better. Jared had told him how badly Kerr treated the younger man, how much Jared suffered emotionally and now Jensen wasn't any better.  
  
Jensen walked to what had been his side of the bed whenever he slept over and turned the bedside lamp on; the light soft and not too blinding. Jared always hated waking up to glaring lights. Who doesn’t.  
  
"Jay?" Back on Jared's side of the bed Jensen sat down on the edge of it, one hand on Jared's shoulder to wake him up; to pull him out of the nightmare he was so obviously having.  
  
Jared stirred, more than before and it took Jensen a couple more tries until the younger man slowly came to. When he opened his eyes and they landed on Jensen he wanted to die. Nothing could have prepared him for the fear and pained look on Jared's face.  
  
"Get out." Jared brokenly croaked out. "Get the fuck away from me."  
  
Jensen flinched at those words; he did expect to be thrown out right away but a heavy weight tugged at his heart.  
  
"Jay, I can't... I want to talk to you. I'm so _so_ sorry for what I've said, how I said it. There are things you don't know. Some things that I have to tell you about."  
  
Jared shook his head, eyes swollen and bloodshot from all the crying he must have done and new tears started to run down the younger man's cheeks.  
  
"I don't deserve to be heard and you've got every right to hate me but I'm begging you, please listen to me. Please Jay. I've fucked up and I won't live another day without regretting it. Please. Kick me out and hate my guts but please hear me out first. _Please_."  
  
His own voice sounded weak to him, broken pleas leaving his lips and his vision so blurry he almost missed Jared's shy nod.  
  
"I always wanted kids, couldn't ever imagine myself without their shrieks of excitement around. Snotty noses and stinky diapers? Yes, I even welcomed the non-fun sides. But sometimes you make the wrong decisions in life and then you would rather die than so much as think about babies and you can't hear beyond their annoying cries for attention. I try to avoid babies and little kids, can't stand being around them, their laughter and happiness feels like a slap in the face, as if they're deliberately trying to remind me, to punish me."  
  
He noticed the confused look Jared gave him and Jensen realized that what he'd just said probably didn't make much sense to the other man.  
  
"All I'm getting is that you hate kids."  
  
Jensen was shocked at the words and his head snapped up to meet Jared's glare.  
  
"No. God, no. Jay, do you remember our first date?"  
  
Jared's mouth formed into a frown; eyes closed tight and he whispered a sad 'yes'.  
  
"At some point we were talking about... Brady and, and the accident. Brady and I had been dating for almost six years at the time. We were barely out of High School when he kissed me at a party and I was with him ever since. Our relationship wasn't perfect, we fought a lot and we've been dating on and off but we still loved each other. After yet another try to get back together we, uh, well maybe we always broke up for the make-up sex but the last time we did just that we weren't really careful."  
  
"Was he...?" Jared’s eyes went wide.  
  
"Just let me finish. Please? I'm not sure I'll be able to get it all out if I stop now."  
  
"Okay." 

Jared wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and just then did Jensen see that it was one of the many button down shirts Jensen had bought him to replace all the ones he practically ripped off Jared’s body. And Jared must have noticed how Jensen stared at the shirt because he wrapped his arms around himself and propped his back against the headboard; willing to listen to whatever Jensen has to say. He couldn’t be more thankful for the gesture.  
  
"Anyway. At first I was shocked when Brady told me about the pregnancy, then surprised and then I was happy and excited. Eventually we worked things out, for our son's sake."  
  
"Jen."  
  
Jensen shook his head at Jared; didn't dare meeting his eyes. He's throwing himself deep into his memories and the indescribable pain that came with it. Opening all these old wounds was draining and it hurt beyond anyone's imagination who hadn't dealt with a similar loss.  
  
"Nicolas was... he, God, he was such a little charmer, wrapped everyone around his fingers and he was all smiles and sunshine. The happiest kid I’ve ever met. He was driving us mad with his energy; never stood still and babbled non-stop. Sometime after his third birthday Brady had picked him up from daycare and came home with a grin on his face and later on told me that Nic said he wanted a brother or a sister for Christmas."  
  
Jensen smiled sadly at the memory of how nonchalant Brady said they should start trying so they could get that Christmas gift on the way. Their relationship was stable, they barely fought anymore and even their financial situation was as good as it could've been and enough to feed a family of four.  
  
Jared had gone awfully quiet next to him, barely there sobs audible and Jensen couldn't look at him, couldn't deal with the pity he was used to when in the past people learned about Jensen and Brady.  
  
"We never were able to say no to Nic and so we tried and a couple months later Brady shoved a positive pregnancy test under my nose. Brady was two months along when my parents invited us over for a family get-together. And, I, I told you that I didn't want to drive myself. All I wanted was for my family to get home and sleep in our own beds. There was a tryout game the next day and the drive home and getting ready was too risky because even if FC Dallas wanted me didn't mean they'd excuse me being late. And then there was our morning routine I wouldn't want to miss. Nic used to crawl in bed with us after he woke up and I couldn't imagine waking up without the little man kicking us in the ribs and boxing his way into a comfortable position. Nic was three years old when that drunk driver hit our car. He was seated behind the driver so whoever of us was riding shotgun was able to reach him if he dropped his toy or spilled apple juice all over his shirt. He didn't have a chance. The impact's force too strong for his tiny body."  
  
Jensen wiped his eyes furiously, the image of his son in his car seat; the massive amount of blood running from his face and the pained fight for breath was branded into Jensen's brain. While one of his hands held on tight to Brady and their unborn child; begging Brady to just hold on, his other hand was trying to get to their son. But his legs were trapped, there was no pain and yet he couldn't move.  
  
Jensen felt Jared pulling himself against Jensen's chest. "Sorry. I'm so very sorry. Jensen. God, I'm so sorry."  
  
Jared pulled him down on the bed, spooning behind Jensen and wrapped him in a tight embrace.  
  
"Jay, I can't..."  
  
"Shhh, it's okay."  
  
Jared's warm breath against the back of his head, and these strong arms around him were the only reason that kept Jensen breathing. Years of counseling and therapy helped him cope and yet nothing felt as good as being held. That's all he ever wanted, someone holding him but he never expected Jared to be the one to lessen his hurt to a bearable level. Not after his own fear of repeating the past made him lash out and hurt the younger man so much.  
  
"Jay, I love you so much but I can't give you a baby. I'm not... father material. My family died because of me, how could I risk losing the people I love most, again?"  
  
"None of this is your fault. There was no way you could've known. You are not to blame for what happened."  
  
Jensen sobbed into the pillow even more. He heard these words before, the therapist kept repeating them over and over and after a while Jensen believed them, but the guilt won't stop haunting him. Jared was the first person who didn't tiptoe around him, ever since the accident and the death of his boyfriend and children his family thought he needed to be put in bubble wrap and protect him. Jared didn't know and treated him like a normal human being. Jensen didn't even plan to fall in love with the younger man, but it happened nonetheless.  
  
Jensen never dated anyone after Brady and when he first went out again, thanks to Chris' constant begging of living again, he settled for one night stands. He never expected more to happen between him and Jared but when he met him his heart did a double flip. He wanted the other man and it wasn't until they left the club and he had Jared pinned underneath him did Jensen realize just how much he wanted Jared to stay. The big hole in his heart filled with something he didn't remember existed and when Jared left Jensen was lost. Immediately he had missed Jared, missed the dimpled smile and he was aching to have the man's company back.  
  
Finding out that the man he had fallen for was one of his team member's dad had been a surprise, a shock too, because Jensen might have wanted Jared but he was also terrified of falling in love. Falling for someone meant you couldn't hide your past, not for long anyway. And now it was biting Jensen in the ass.  
  
"I'm so sorry for how I treated you." Jensen whispered and Jared only shook his head.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me? Jen, you knew how I thought about the accident."  
  
"But you only knew about B-Brady."  
  
"Doesn't make a difference. Jensen, I thought you hated me. For eight days I asked myself what I had done wrong, how you were able to fool me."  
  
Jensen wiggled out of Jared's hold to turn on his side; the need to face Jared so very strong. "Never meant to hurt you."  
  
"Though you did and I'm not going to lie about it. I just wish you would have told me."  
  
Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared, needed to feel the man's heartbeat against his own and buried his face in Jared's neck. Tear after tear rolling down his face, soaking Jared's shirt with the salty liquid.  
  
"Jen, hey, it's okay. I'm mad at you, yes, but I, I love you too much to let you go. And definitely not for something you had no power over."  
  
Another sob made its way out of Jensen's throat and his whole body was vibrating. Losing Jared would be like losing a part of himself.  
  
"You want a baby and I understand that, I really do but I can't, Jay I'm only keeping you from that. I want you to be happy and get everything you wish for, but I'm not the person to grant this wish for you."  
  
"If wanting a baby means losing you, then I don't want one. Jensen I can't imagine how painful it must have been for you to lose your family; your children, but I'm willing to respect your decision. We’ll have to talk about this, but Jen, don’t you think I could have understood why you don’t want another child after what you’ve been through? Knowing what happened to your family is making it easier for me to understand why you acted that way and I’m sure we can work this out. All I'm asking of you is to be honest with me; don't hide things from me, especially not something that leaves you hurting. Promise me that, please." 

Jensen nodded against Jared’s cheek and he inhaled the scent that was pure Jared before he spoke up again. “Why would you do that, why would you forgive me when I hurt you so much?” 

“Because I love you. And I’m sorry for comparing you to Kerr. It was wrong and I realized that the second those words left my mouth. But I was too hurt to take it back; to apologize then. I just, Jen, I need you. These last eight days have been terrible without you.” 

“I-I wanted to tell you for so long, I knew I should have told you but I just couldn’t. I was sure you’d blame me as much as I still blame myself.” 

“I wouldn’t, not ever and I’m sure that deep down you knew that.” 

Jensen pulled himself even closer to Jared then, spilling more tears of the younger man’s shirt. He didn’t know how or why he deserved someone like Jared but he’d be forever grateful to whoever was responsible that Jared was right there; with him and for him, not letting go despite the pain and doubt Jensen had caused him. 

“Sleep now, okay? Tomorrow is a new day and when you wake up I’ll be right here.” 

Jensen was surprised when Jared’s lips found their way to Jensen’s forehead and the younger man left a trail of soft kisses along his brows. “Love you so much, Jay.” He hiccupped into Jared’s neck. 

“I love you too.” 

[end.] *for now*


End file.
